Can we do it?

Recently I became overwhelmed with the continuously mounting debt that we have and no matter how much budgeting I did I couldn't find something that I could stick to. Until now. Enter YNAB. Yes, You Need A Budget and so did I. I am still on day 4 of the 7 day trial but I already know I will be purchasing it. It has literally made me think about my money differently in the 4 days I have used it. I am realizing slowly that we do not have as much available to play with every month like I thought we did. I am realizing that without buckling down and doing this YNAB plan we may very well never get out of debt because I dont see the bigger picture I only see a 2 week snapshot. I am also realizing that this is what budgeting really is. Planning what you will do with your money  today and next week and next month etc. Now instead of looking in the bank account to see if we have enough to buy what I need I look at the budget and see how much I have left from what I set aside in that category. More to come later... children are callin!

The start of something new... maybe

I have had the worst November/December ever. In this month alone my 1yr old son has been sick twice most recently with Roseola and an ear infection at the same time and I have had a kidney infection and an upper respiratory thing.  Anyways the point is I have been home so very much in the past few weeks and I rather like it. I love the time I get to spend with my sons and the free time I get for myself. I don't miss the office politics or the work really. I especially don't miss the daily 3 hr commute. The problem is that my husband and I have massive debt and want to buy a house. (Ok, so its really not massive compared to how much debt America has. It's like 15-20k total but that feels massive to us!) I cant want both things right? Wrong. I want both. Therefore I will make both be possible. Somehow.

I haven't yet told my Husband.... but I am thinking of a hardcore 5 yr plan. I don't yet know if a 5 yr plan will be doable but I am going to start working on the details of the plan. I'll update you guys in a while after I think this through some more.

I hate bad parents "/

I've been in a pissy mood ever since my grandmother texted me earlier today.

I hate them so much. I wish I could do to them what they do to my siblings. Now that I am a parent I am even more appalled at their behavior.

My mother is the evilest, self centered, bitch. My step father ain't far behind her. They couldn't even stand each other for more than a few months at a time. I am convinced they both have mental illnesses but they have both evaluated by therapist and received a clean bill of mind. I'm not surprised. They talk a good game and are very friendly to strangers they want something from. You'd think, upon first impression, that these were the most outgoing funny sweet people.You'd be sorely mistaken. Unless you've crossed them or are under their power you'd never see this nasty evil side.

You may be thinking the same thing everyone thinks when I tell them my mother is crazy.... that I was probably a stubborn bad kid who was disciplined and didn't like it or something. You'd be right I was bad and I was stubborn and I talked back and got beat for it often. I was a pure rebel from birth. But that does not justify what these people have done. My son is beyond stubborn and he does the weirdest things (like hide BBQ ribs under the bed for 2 weeks) that make me want to slap him upside his head but I always address my son how I would like to be addressed. I speak to him like he has sense and I don't call him names.I'll admit that was after some serious evaluating of my character earlier on... that's for another post.

To show you the kind of things I experienced as a child...

My mother consistently referred to me as the devil's child when she was upset with me. As in "You stupid little bitch you are the devils child." 

She was not the physical type so hugs or kisses were far and few in between which is not so bad a child can live without that and survive I guess but it has made me socially awkward in some ways. I don't like to touch or be touched by other people. I  rather not shake your hand thank you.

She would always talk down to me and manipulate me into doing things she wanted me to do like lie for her to the government so she could get more money. My mother is hard of hearing but speaks and she plays the handicap card often by pretends she is deaf and mute and pretending everyone is taking advantage of her. I was her interpreter when ever we went everywhere and she lied about everything. I mean she falsified our birth certificates so we could start school early. That's illegal ain't it? but no one cared.

Ok I am getting off track.... My step father.... that man is scum. Scum on earth I would spit on. That man told my sister "You may be beautiful on the outside but you'll always be ugly on the inside." Who says that to their child?! Talk about a self esteem crusher and coming from your dad? ouch 

That man feeds the children how you'd feed your enemy. He doesn't buy veggies or fruits or orange juice or anything expensive and good for you. Because it's expensive. He buys a pizza and gets a salad for himself. His kids would like a salad but nope its to expensive for them so they get pizza and he gets healthy greens. He says he needs it. Hes sick. Yea in the head.  My other sister told me that one time he fed them each six tostitos scoops filled with taco fillings and that was their dinner. Six 1 in x 1 in tortilla chips. If they complain they are hungry they are called greedy. My heart breaks for them.

So back to why I am mad today. My grandmother needs a break. She goes over everyday for home work help she takes them every weekend. Usually on holidays he spends time with the kids. Shocking? Not really he's real big on pretending hes a family man. He brings them to someone else's house so he can hang out and they can eat. This Thanksgiving they were supposed to go to my mothers. My grandmothers text read as follows:

(Insert my name), I need help to think. Mami just called to tell me I need to pick the kids up for thanksgiving because her son is in the hospital and she is going in on Wednesday for her kidneys. J, F and P are counting on going to her. M badly wanted to go shopping with mami tomorrow for her birthday. They don't want to go to the other grandparents because according to J they don't want them there either. I can't stand the thought of their feeling nobody wants them, but I'm desperate for a few days without kids. I dont mean to put this on you, but 2 heads are better than one and maybe we can come up with something. It doesnt help that  (their dad), who'd rather spend thanksgiving out drinking with the guys and is walking out on them, insists that they must be together celebrating thanksgiving as a family.


So once again we (my grandmother, husband, and I) step in as the role of parents. More to come later my husband just got home and I need a serious hug.

Such is life

Every weekend it's the same thing. I wake up super early IE 5 am on a Sunday and my husband is asleep. He probably stayed up til 2 or 3 am and now he's exhausted. I fall asleep early all the time. We are always on opposite sides of the fence. So here I sit watching Primal Fear, blogging, and surfing the web while he lays there eyes closed knocked out. Such is life.

Knitting Woes

I am definetly not finding it second nature to knit. I am too much of a literal person and I over analyze everything. It is affecting my ability to learn to knit. I have this bad habit of making everything ten times harder than it needs to be by asking myself a million questions.

My first problem was learning to cast on. The book shows the slingshot long tail cast on method . I couldn't continually do the motion. I questioned if I was making the loops too tight and tried to learn this way for about  an hour. I gave up and found the new method I previously told you about. My next problem was learning to knit stitch. I couldn't figure out how tight to make the stitches and am still having a tension problem. Which leads to my third problem which was how to wrap the yarn to control the tension. It doesn't seem to be a huge problem to everyone else based on the amount of information available online compared to when I searched for cast on methods. I'll attempt to knit again now that I think I have a method to wrap the yarn that might work for me. After I master the tension and get nice even rows I will learn and master the purl and start really making something. I'll show pictures on my next post of my wonky work so far but I warn you its disturbingly bad. I guess this is kind of turning into a knitting blog for now. I am just so obsessed with knitting something worth bragging about. LOL

Warmies Mmmmm

I truly cannot remember what sparked my desire to learn to knit... A few days ago something must have happened but I cannot remember. I became obsessed with learning how to knit to make some gloves, hats, scarves etc. Now? Well by now I am attempting to take over the knitting world. Do I need another hobby? No. lol but I get sucked in and cant get out. Now I want to knit hats and scarves and gloves for my family and for charity. Maybe if I get reallllly good I can sell stuff ;)

I bought the book The chicks with sticks guide to knitting by Nancy Queen and Ellen O'Connell. Let me begin by saying I love the patterns in the book. Now... the instructions... not so much. I found a much better way to 'cast on' online after about 2 hours of trying their 'preferred easier method'. Thankfully they did say that there were 35 other ways to cast on so I went and searched for a different way that would suit me better. Somewhere I came across a tip in the comments about a video on ThreadBanger.com. So Google helped me find what I was looking for and I literally cried out YES! THANK YOU! because I almost gave up completely. This video is the best way to cast on. Period. I tried about 10 different ways. Try it out if you are beginning to knit. Let's see how I progress on this scarf. Wish me luck!

Really? Hmmm....

Really?! Hmmm.... Sometimes that's all I can say in response to some of the stuff my son says. Today we pulled up to the house and he says "Oh yes! Finally! We are home. Now I can go inside and lick my butt." Insert above phrase. Then he looks at the dumpster labeled 'American Waste' and says "American Waste, I guess we do have to waste it"

Work conflicts with my life's endeavors :(

I enjoy what I do. Most days I have a few urgent things to do and lots of research or e-filing to do. There are some days when I feel like my fingers will fall off because I've been entering/adjusting orders or sending emails for hours. Very few days I sit bored out of my mind because all I have is a pile to file and a few emails to answer. On those days I think about my dreams. I want to learn so much and do so much and I simply cant. I have to work to help support our family. Between the time I spend with my siblings and grandmother, my friends, and my immediate family my weekend is gone in a flash. I tried to start sewing again and even bought a ton of patterns that were on sale and some fabric but I found I had no time for the  tedious steps in sewing. It takes hours to get through all the steps and it wont get any easier until I become more experienced and can trace, pin, cut, a pattern in less than an hour. Time... time is my worse enemy. If I had more, I could sew more to become more experienced.

I feel selfish when I get upset because I have to work so much. It's not like I am mad at a specific person. I am just upset in general that life sucks like this and I actually have a decent salary. I think about those that have to work much harder for far less pay and I feel a twinge in my heart for them because they work so hard just to survive day to day. I wish I only had to work 3 days a week. I'd have so much more time for everything I want to do. I'd spend 3 days working, 2 days on my hobbies, and 2 days on family and volunteering. Only in my dreams.

Ain't it sad this American life that is still much better than most others and I am still so disappointed. I want so much more from life. I want to do so much and go so many places and I see it will be near impossible but still I will believe we can make it happen. I want to die with no regrets. My husband and I will somehow do what we gotta do to make it happen. Moving up the pay scale ain't easy but we are in a position to start to make it happen. Wish us luck. Maybe in 5 years I can start to sew my own clothing and make my own shoes and underwear and soaps and candles and become an amazing baker and chef. My dreams are big ya'll I want to do it all. I love crafts and shed a tear every time I buy something mass produced that once used to be made by a man or woman's loving hands.

Numero Tres :)

 I think I'll make this a habit. Bare with me I am hungry right now LOL

1. Everything :: taste better with cheese
2. China :: town
3. Essence :: magazine
4. Immediate :: exposure
5. Obstruct :: justice
6. Force :: field
7. Constellation :: orion
8. Intuitive :: nature
9. Complain :: slap
10. Train :: stop

To play along go to Unconscious Mutterings.

No Impact Man

This movie impacted me. Pun intended LOL I have wanted for so long to cook from scratch more, use less canned products, use more organic cleaning and clothes washing supplies, etc but its hard man. I know what you are thinking. Another person saying they want to better the world but not showing it in their actions. Well you know what you are right. I can't say you are not. For me it is more about what we are doing to ourselves but old habits are hard to break.

I am a hypocrite some times but I am one with good intentions. I do recycle mostly... I need to get a separate bin and then I'll get better about it. I did use cloth diapers for about 7 months but they were damaged :'( I will buy new ones (new to us) for our next baby and use them from start to finish. I have decided that besides underwear and bras I will not buy new clothing and am actually going to check out the local consignment shops this weekend. I want to be even more green but some things are not an option for me. Driving for instance. I couldn't take the train or ride a bike. My commute is 3 hrs a day as it is. My husband could technically ride a bike but he wears a suit to work... you tell him to ride a bike and see how that works for ya.

We are trying to go organic/free range/etc for our meat. The fact that the other meat I was eating didn't taste animal-y is kind of scary. We bought some organic good stuff recently and I made a few common meals I always make. It tastes completely different. More like an animal I would say. Which is disturbing to me to say the least so I've eaten far less meat in general. I don't eat many veggies so I am in a weird position where I am eating tons of bread, cheese, cereal, grains, potatoes, etc. I'll get over it though. I'm going to try some new (meatless) recipes this weekend.

All about meme meme :)

 This is an interesting mix of words. I know I don't just say one word in response... just my nature.

1. Adhesive :: tape
2. Bill :: me
3. Swing :: -ers
4. Counter :: space
5. Fluid :: Correction
6. Investigate :: your family lol
7. Chit chat :: with friends
8. Humane :: society
9. Boss :: brand
10. Furniture :: is expensive

To play along go to Unconscious Mutterings.

Mutter mutter sputter

I've always loved this blog/these things. My husband go through the archives and do these with each other for hours. It's interesting what some people come up with.

1. Sarcasm :: is funny but mean
2. Coke :: sugar
3. Frank :: hot dog
4. Party :: ugh
5. Witches :: are cool Can I be one?
6. Intentional :: disaster
7. Crisp :: Kellogg's fruit cracker
8. Lockers :: naked
9. Walking :: is exercise
10. Fundraiser :: are awesome

To play along go to Unconscious Mutterings.

Boom Boom everyyyy weekend

Our neighbors from next door and upstairs must play Guitar Heros or Rock Band. Every Thursday thru Sunday there is rock music playing from both apartments. I guess I am just glad that you cannot hear it from the bedrooms. We just turn up the TV. I can't wait till we buy a house.

Plans Plans Plans

I'm making big plans to try and get this debt paid off ASAP. I'm really hating this overwhelming feeling of being trapped by this looming debt that seems like it will never go away.

So I've decided....
For every dinner I cook I'll pay myself $20.
For every paycheck we get I'll take out $100 to save for debt. (This one will be hardest... I'll try to at least do $50)

This is all I've got so far. I'll update when my brain goes into a frenzy again.

debt sucks

Getting out of debt is hard. Its a daily mental stress to remain in debt. I bet its the main reason most people wish they hit the lottery so they can get out of debt and that dreaded feeling of never being able to earn enough to pay off that debt and get ahead so they can start saving for big ticket items like a house.

Some times I try to calculate how much I can realistically save each day to pay off our debt faster and I always just end up feeling trapped in this web of debt. I cant run away from it. I know that. But like a friend of mine said the other day.... some times I wish they would just forget we owe them that debt. I mean don't they have bigger fish to fry? Jeeze.

I am sitting here googling ways to organize a plan to pay off debt and most of it is useless to me. I want to pull out my hair or hit the lottery. Either one will do. Hopefully we will be out of debt in.... maybe four years. Then I can try to save for a house. So another 4-6 years for 30-40k? Ayyy. 10 years.... I'll be 32. Ok I guess. Maybe we'll hit the lottery from here to then and speed up the process. Please? All we need is 1Mil. Or I'll take 250k even.... We'll talk.

One day at a time

I've tried to blog so many times and every time I try I get so caught up in what everyone will think about my post. I'd get self conscious and try to narrow down my writing to a single topic making my post sound rehearsed and boring. So I've decided, I am going to just pretend I am talking to myself or a friend and if there is a typo or 20 topics that's just what my little blog-osphere-home will consist. Welcome to my inner sillies.